The Balloons We Once Let Go Of...

Once a child with hands so small,
my squeeze so weak and careless,
and my limbs barely tough enough
to break...

Once a child who let go of balloons,
only to wonder where they would go,
and if they'd ever find another hand  
much stronger...

Now older, with much more grasp,
I find my fingers to be funny;
the way they still let dreams 
fly away...

just to never chase after them.
Stuck wondering, here.


For starters, that poem wasn't for me; it was for anyone who fears the chase, who fears failure. I've failed countless times and I'm still breathing... I promise, failure means nothing but forward steps. I'm not sitting here at the young age of 23 and saying that I have conquered  all of my hopes and dreams, and now lecturing you about yours, I'm sitting here and saying up until this point, yes, I have done everything I wanted and was able to do so far. But I am not done, There is much more of the world to see!

I lived in Rochester, NY. for 18 years until I attended school in Buffalo ( which in my mind is just a shittier Rochester, but anyway...), After living in Buffalo for a year and meeting some of the greatest and most inspiring people, it still wasn't enough for me. I made my way back to the good ole' ROC and attended a Community College there for a year to save money and figure out what I wanted to do (this, a big mistake to say the least; I really fell apart here) After a year of what I like to describe as the demise of my heart and soul, my buddy explained to me how badly we needed a change.

The thoughts of the ocean and the beach life we never get here up North filled our minds like a cancer and the only cure was to go find the water; so we simply made our way to the Coast. The name Coastal Carolina filled our minds: a newer university located right outside of Myrtle Beach. Perfect. I spent three years living in Conway, SC. and this is now a place that I like to call a second home. After 35 long 800 mile road trips from traveling back and forth from the ocean to Rochester over the course of only three years, you truly get to see the beauty of the Earth (people always thought we were crazy for driving, but they just didn't understand).

We would travel through forgotten parts of the South, where people still rocked confederate flags on their garages, with front yards that looked like they were reenacting the crucifying day of Jesus. We saw cotton fields and have felt the ghosts of slaves sing songs about freedom as we drove at night. We've seen North Carolina and the way that Wilmington can save you when your not feeling right. The stars at night will never be forgotten in the way they would shined so clearly up in the clear skies of Virginia. With our bloodshot eyes and racing hearts, I cannot count how many times we swerved the winding roads of Pennsylvania and how we have seen that it does actually have beauty in it's hills, especially in the fall when it's body looks like a box of smashed crayola crayons; it was purely liberating.

When I was real young, I saw a place called Las Vegas, and although I do not remember much, I remember the lights and the way the lit my chest up like fireworks in July. I have seen Niagara falls so many times that often, I forget it's beauty even when I'm staring at it. But I've gotten lost in Toronto, and didn't care if I was ever found. I've seen the Cape, and I honestly never want to go back. But I will never forget the Bahamas and how relieving it was to breathe there, with that reggae sound always playing in the background, and how the ocean water looked as clear as cellophane. I've been to a couple different parts in Florida and I found beauty there too, beauty so old and done. Beauty of retired limbs, and souls that are tapped out.

The furthest West I've been is Chicago ( which I plan to change REAL SOON!), what I beautiful city. A windy city that blows loves around like leaves; or at least it seemed that way when people walked by smiling.  After seeing the business of New York City, I realized the only part I like about it is the Yanks, but we won't get into a sports argument here. I've been to Philly too. I like that place. I'm forgetting many other U.S. cities that I've briefly stayed in or traveled through, but I must move on...

I'll never forget driving through the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee and the way I felt home when we were so lost driving through them. I'll never forget Nashville, and how on every corner, there is just country music and acoustic bands that probably won't ever make it further than the bars they drink at. Nashville, a place I would live in a heartbeat. It was like you felt music notes in your feet and the plucking of guitar string in your heart. I've paid respects to a great man in Lynchburg TN, when my buddy and I did the Jack Daniels tour and then found his grave. I figured he's cured my soul on many nights, so he deserves a little respect.

But it was when I made the decision to live in Florence Italy for a month when I truly felt like I knew what I wanted to do. I studied Art and Culture there everyday, museum after museum, and cathedral after cathedral. You honestly felt the streets; they walked ghosts of early artists and philosophers who believed in dreaming. they walked ghosts who reminded me of why I am here. There was one day when we hiked the mountains that surrounded Florence, and this was the day when everything changed... We climbed further and further up the mountain, until we reached the very top. When we arrived, the world in  front of me became my Epiphany of life, and I felt something I cannot explain. I wish I could, but I just can't!

I made my way back to Rochester: a place I will always call home. But when I arrived here, I felt empty, like something was missing. After a couple weeks of thinking and staying up at night counting those points on my ceiling that I always lost count of as a young boy, I finally realized what it is...

I am still searching for all of those balloons I once let go of into the unknown drifts of the sky. I am still searching for all of those balloons I once filled with my dreams, and the loves I had in my tiny chest. I am still searching for the world. I've seen much of it's beauty, but much in this case is not enough. There is so much more out there... there are places where my balloons have traveled, and I intend on following them.

To Be Continued...